My wife has $150K in retirement savings and I have $1.5M in my 60s — should I be stunned?

Nearly one in four Americans say they and their spouse have not mapped out how much money they will need in retirement. About the same share are also not on the same page about spending on children and grandchildren, travel, and other lifestyle costs in later life.

That kind of disconnect can create serious tension when retirement arrives and a couple discovers they have very different amounts saved for the years ahead.

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Take Richard and Jackie as an example. Richard has spent years building a retirement nest egg of $1.5 million in his 60s, while Jackie has saved only $150,000. Because she earned less during her career and stepped away from work or worked part-time to care for their children, she was never able to build up the same level of savings.

Richard had no idea Jackie’s balance was so much lower, and he is shocked. Jackie, meanwhile, feels hurt because she believed the money being put into Richard’s accounts was meant to support both of them. So, is Richard justified in his reaction, and what can the couple do now?

Think before reacting

Richard may feel caught off guard, but experts say he should slow down before responding so he does not worsen the relationship.

“Take a day or two to calm down before talking,” Debra Feinberg, founder and family therapist at Maplewood Counseling, told Moneywise. “If you go in angry, your wife will likely get defensive, and the real conversation won’t happen.”

Brittany Polansky, assistant clinical director at First Step Behavioral Health, offered similar advice. “My advice would be to give yourself a little time to process those feelings before having a conversation with your spouse,” she told Moneywise. “Instead of approaching it with blame or asking why she didn’t save more, try to understand how you both got to this point and what your expectations were around retirement.”

Look at why the savings gap exists

Before speaking with Jackie, Richard should think about what may have caused such a large difference. He may want to ask questions, but reflecting on their shared history could also help him understand her position.

“Look at what this says about your relationship,” Feinberg said. “Were finances kept separate? Did one person feel shut out, or ashamed to bring it up? The gap in savings is often a sign of a gap in communication.”

Jackie may have avoided bringing up her situation because she feared the exact response Richard is having now: surprise and disappointment. She may also be frustrated that he does not recognize how much she contributed in other ways to the family.

“Her low retirement savings may be less a matter of hard work or discipline than a case of unpaid work not earning benefits. Her contribution went into caretaking, managing the household, and supporting his earning power, so the $1.5 million is arguably a joint product,” Wendy Molyneux, founder of Whole Person Finance, told Moneywise.

Richard should also remember that unequal retirement assets are not unusual. “It is quite common to see spouses with unequal assets,” James Hargrave, founder of Pillar Financial Planning, told Moneywise. “Often, one has dedicated more funds to their retirement while the other focuses on improving the quality of life for the family.”

Build a shared plan for retirement

Once Richard has had time to reflect, he may come to see that his shock is misplaced, since Jackie had limited opportunities to save while raising the couple’s children. He may also recognize that her work at home helped make his career possible.

“I worked with a business owner who made a great living and accumulated significant wealth,” Hargrave said. “I watched her spouse drive a beat-up truck for years while she got the business going, taking on significant parenting responsibilities along the way. They won together. Each brought their own talents and contributions to the family’s success.”

Accepting that both partners added value can help him approach Jackie with a practical way forward.

“At the end of the day, you’re still a team,” Polansky said. “The focus should shift from ‘why didn’t you save as much as I did?’ to ‘how do we make a plan that works for both of us so we can both retire together comfortably?’”

Polansky suggested that the couple talk about shared retirement goals and possibly meet with a financial planner who can help them make the most of their resources.

“You can’t change what’s already been saved,” Polansky said. “But you can decide how to move forward together.”